Recent Tinder matches Jacob Sucero and Connie DeLuca’s illusions that one introductory, Groupon-discounted glass-blowing class would double as proof of each other’s dedication to skilled oral fixations were shattered to pieces tonight as they embarked on their first harrowing date together.
Fresh off of six days of PG-13-rated will-they-or-won’t-they messaging, the date got off to a rocky start when Jacob obviously struggled to hold up the metal glass-blowing rod for more than 20 seconds.
Come Connie’s turn, sweat from the kiln’s heat soaked through her off-white dress while her make-up melted off with beads of dripping forehead, upper lip and chin perspiration.
“At one point, Jacob’s attempts to impress Connie even devolved into claims that he was distantly related to Dale Chihuly,” said teaching assistant Wolfgang Ricks. “He then burned his hand on the metal rod and let out such a high-pitched wail I thought my wife was dropping in for a surprise visit with Sully, our darling newborn.”
Despite the couple’s harrowing humiliations, sources report they were in fact able to successfully form a little glass flower ornament together – a symbol of their perseverance to saving enough face to get laid. Unfortunately, Jacob reportedly knocked the glass memento off the table by accident, sending it crashing to the floor.
“You’d think that would have finally broken their spirits,” Ricks said. “But by the time they left, both sounded sickly excited about smashing even more things. Anarchist kids today … they just fucking blow.”
