Asked if he attended the raucous Seattle Sounders’ MLS Cup Championship Parade through Downtown Seattle Tuesday, longtime Seattle Mariners fan Jimmy Slater said no as emphatically as the Mariner fans screamed in the pouring wet World Series dream he wakes to every morning.
“What a bunch of losers,” Slater said describing fans of a team who won a championship Sunday in front of the largest crowd to see a sporting event in Washington state history. “You know, the Mariners are so classy they’re the only MLB team that’s never had to go to the World Series or brag about how great they are with the stupid kind of parade that, without fail, involuntarily soils my sleeping boxers daily.”
Disgusted by the flagrant waving of green and blue scarves that aren’t even being used as real scarves, Slater called the Sounders fan base a bunch of posers.
“Let me guess: I’ll bet they won’t even use that MLS Cup as a real cup,” Slater said with a smirk. “Until they wait so long for a championship title they’re nuts turn as blue as the team’s uniforms, all those fans are is a bunch of fakewads.”
At press time, Slater was loading the washer machine with a giant pile of crunchy blue and teal boxers.
