Visitors of this year’s Washington State Fair in Puyallup all agree that the standout ride this year, The Stolen Spinning Tim Eyman Chairs, is soon to become an annual classic.
“Step right up, step right up, folks, and picture this: You’re already one of the most hated and annoying men in the state for your endless stream of state budget-screwing ballot initiatives,” the ride operator shouts as visitors buckle up into wheeled office chairs. “So you decide stealing an office chair from Office Depot really won’t be that big of a deal — but then you’re caught! Boys and girls, you’re going to need a lot of SPIN to get out of this one!”
Fairgoers are then lifted off the ground into “Eyman’s Egostratosphere” and spun up, down and sideways until they can’t see straight and don’t know what’s real anymore.
“What’s that below you, folks?” the operator asks as twirling riders tilt and totter in every direction. “Oh no – it’s laws! Taxes! Truth! Office Depot! Don’t let them touch you – keeeep spinning!”
Eventually, green-faced, wiped out riders are let off and returned to the general population to report on their unforgettably original ride experience.
“Up until now, I really couldn’t fathom the dizzying tornado of emotions and logic that creates a mind quite like Tim Eyman’s,” said Kent resident Frank Halliday. “But after all the nauseating contortions this ride took my mind and body into, I think his initiatives and claims that his blatant office chair theft was a ‘total mistake’ make a lot of sense to me now.”
At press time, several people getting off the ride were seen signing new state ballot initiative petition sheets held out by a man wearing sunglasses, fedora, and trenchcoat seated in one of Office Depot’s finest.
