In a display of utter cuteness today, Greenwood resident Matt Prescott adorably paid a gracious in-app tip intended for his DoorDash delivery guy, actually trusting the Silicon Valley-founded company running the app wouldn’t fully pocket it for themselves.
Can you even …?!
“I really appreciate getting cash tips so that I can make anywhere near minimum wage for doing this shit,” said DoorDasher Jeremy Ricketts, who was guaranteed a $6.50 delivery payment whether Prescott’s $5 tip ended up paying for 77% of that or not. “But I’d pass it on it any time to see the special twinkle in customer’s eye that says ‘I just unknowingly gave a business valued at $7.1 billion an extra $5 for no good reason at all.’”
But no one wants to pinch Prescott’s sweet wittle wallet more than DoorDash CEO Tony Xu.
“When customers like Prescott make that generous choice to tip their delivery guy, our executive team and shareholders just clutch whatever is left of their numbed-out little hearts,” Xu said in a statement. “The innocent naivete it takes to believe we won’t sink as low as humanly possible to expand our profit margin while squeezing as much as we can out of “contract” workers fronting the cost of gas, vehicle wear-and-tear, and insurance liability is just precious. This gig economy bubble won’t last forever, so we’re not taking a moment of it for granted.”
Blissfully unaware of how widely treasured his futile attempt at good will is for everyone at DoorDash, Prescott dug into his Ezell’s Famous Chicken Dinner feeling good about voluntarily paying more for his meal.
“I’m so glad companies led by trusted, Stanford-educated MBAs have found such a convenient way for all of us to pay it forward, no cash on-hand necessary!”
At press time, Prescott was climbing into an Uber to meet a friend, thankful for the assumption his driver is paid so well, the app doesn’t even need a tipping option. Bless his heart!
