As luxury apartment buildings offer larger common areas and more onsite amenities, the new Haflwaye Haus Lofts on Capitol Hill takes the logical next step of offering residents a full college dorm experience.
“This isn’t just putting some tables with electric outlets in the lobby or a ping pong table next to the laundry room like some buildings do,” sniffed building manager Linda Sanchez, who now goes by the title Residential Fellow. “This is a palace of paper-thin walls our RAs can barge through at any moment should a resident be alone choking on Frosted Cheerios from our cafeteria’s bottomless breakfast cereal pit.”
What really distinguishes the building’s staff are a handful of “cast members” such as Kyle, a guy who sits in the TV room day and night ready to play Xbox with anyone who walks by.
Cast members also include aspiring male and female models who Sanchez reports “do a great job of staying up until 3 a.m. talking with our residents like no one else truly understands them for days on end until a romantic partner they never mentioned suddenly walks in unannounced.”
Though the building is home to plenty of recent grads as you might expect, the programming attracts a diverse range of residents.
“Our Safer Sex Condom-on-a-Banana Workshop pulled in a number of our recently divorced middle-aged residents,” Sanchez noted. “Besides alimony and child support, each and every attendee came out confident that the only other lifelong monthly payment they’ll have to make from now on is for their student loans—well, that plus their dorm rent and mandatory meal plan, of course!”
