Seattle’s Belltown neighborhood is left in shambles today after a hulking, mutated ‘Super Doodle’ escaped overnight from a top-secret experimental lab housed within the headquarters of Rover, the popular gig-economy dog-service leader.
Authorities are still on the lookout for this enormous genetically enhanced pupperino, reported to be over twenty feet tall with razor sharp teethy-weefies that menacingly glisten in the moonlight.
Seattle Police Officer Lara Gibson was first on the scene, witnessing the deadly romp of what some are now calling the ‘Darling MurderDoodle of Belltown’.
“Oh my goodness, you wouldn’t believe what a wee little mess this naughty boy made. He had so much hooman viscera dripping from just the cutest little scrunched up nose I’ve ever seen,” gushed Officer Gibson, scrolling through an Instagram feed of other precious Doodles looking for a positive match. “As I arrived on the scene he let out a hefty bork and tore a homeless man asunder before playfully romping onto the E-line on 3rd, folding it in like an empty soda can. The big ol’ fella was probably just looking for a little scritch scratch behind those floppy blood-soaked ears.”
Police subsequently raided Rover HQ and discovered the lab where scientists had been secretly developing new breeds of adorable ‘doodle hybrids’, this time with disastrous results. The lab’s strict security protocols were reportedly breached when one researcher wanted to “say henlo and give this woofer some chimkin.” Authorities are still looking for the man’s torso.
Stephen Concepción, lead researcher at Rover’s secretive Hybrid Labs, begged the public for forgiveness in the aftermath of this adorable tragedy.
“Doodles are all the rage right now, and we were so sure we could produce a heckin’ good hybrid pupper and finally achieve doggo perfection. We had successfully bred Goldendoodles, Labradoodles and Saint Berdoodles without a hitch,” said Concepción. “Management just kept pushing us for cuter and fluffier pupperinos. We tried to say ‘stahp’ but they just wouldn’t listen. Please don’t blame the doodle, for he knows not what terror his darling paws have wrought this night.”
When reached for further comment, Concepción was found rocking himself back and forth, uttering unintelligible baby speak about “bleppin floofers” and “snoots.”
