To the relief of many Seattle metro area residents today, Sound Transit bumped up the completion date of all pending light rail projects to guarantee that they will definitely be operational at the end of the Cenozoic Era.
“Judging by the quick pace of polar ice cap melting and international resurgence of fascism, we’re thinking the end of Earth’s third major subdivision of animal history could be any day now,” said Sound Transit spokesman Deuce Cray at a press conference this afternoon. “As I’m sure all of you are, we’re thrilled to finally get this over with.”
Until then, Cray says Sound Transit will be using the rest of The Age of Mammals to build light rail lines stretching from Tacoma to Redmond and Everett.
“Our contractors and engineers are doing absolutely everything they can to get these projects moving as fast as the Juan de Fuca Plate is heading towards the North American Plate — a whopping 1.6 inches a year!” Cray said. “Tectonic plates hurtling at these speeds are expected to eventually set off a catastrophic earthquake, so technically we’re building at a breakneck pace.”
Although Cray could not confirm how many humans, if any, would be able to ride the completed light rail system, he did verify that those who don’t quite make it will be spared paying for inevitable cost overruns.
“We’re all in a win-win situation here,” Cray added. “Light rail’s almost here! Or not! We’ll see!”
