Coworkers of Tilikum Place Cafe waiter Stephen Marlow celebrated a late dinner-rush win tonight when he managed to resist strangling yet another diner who eats a gluten-free, dairy-free pescetarian diet.
“I don’t know how he does it,” said fellow waiter Nancy Strauss. “The man’s patience and grace under pressure cannot be matched.”
The evening started rough when a diner informed Marlow that she could not eat anything that had been prepared in the same area or cooked in the same pan as gluten, milk or non-aquatic meat products. Almost nothing on the menu met these specifications, prompting Marlow to consider flipping over a table and tersely ask the woman why she had even come to the restaurant at all.
“I didn’t want to lose my cool, so I had to think fast: What on earth could taste good without gluten, milk products, eggs and almost all meat products except for fish?” said Marlow.
Then it came to him.
“Salad. Salad! Put some fish on top of it and you’re done!” said Marlow. “I called it legumes au poisson or some shit. She ate it up!”
The diners told Marlow they soon planned to visit the James Beard award-winning Ravenna restaurant, Junebaby, which specializes in authentic Southern food.
“They told me ‘We’re sure good cornbread, grits, hushpuppies and biscuits can all come without butter, eggs, lard, milk or cheese too,'” Marlow said. “Good luck, Junebaby!”
