Atheist Toby Fletcher, 33, told reporters today that his Sunday morning trip to First Hill’s St. James Cathedral for some “stained glass ‘gram action” turned out to be more than he bargained for.
“I bet myself that I wouldn’t even have to use filters, and I didn’t — Goddamn, they’re spicy,” said Fletcher. “But, wo, a lot of Jesus talk in that place.”
Fletcher said that even though he hadn’t gone to a church since he didn’t get a much-prayed-for callback to ‘So You Think You Can Dance?’ his junior year of college, he decided to to risk the flashbacks anyway because he “would do anything for my fans to get the perfect shot.” His Instagram page, @PrettyBoyAtheist, has 42 followers.
He didn’t realize, however, how churchy church still was.
“A lot of ceremony in there. I don’t know if you’ve been, but scripture was read a lot,” Fletcher said. “Wo — that was some heavy-ass shit.”
People reportedly knelt down on these little kneeling posts from time to time and crossed their chests in various ways. They stood for other things and recited stuff about stuff he didn’t understand. He wasn’t sure if it was even English.
“Maybe Olde Englishe where theye pute ane “e” ate the ende ofe everye worde,” Fletcher speculated.
Fletcher wanted to take cool pictures at communion, but the priest guy in the robes looked like he didn’t want him to as he handed Fletcher a communion wafer.
“They look like cookies, but I assure you — they are not cookies,” he said. “And all that grandmama organ shit with not even a sample of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ — such a waste of pipes.”
Upon emerging from the church, Fletcher immediately posted three photos: two of the windows and one of “a saint or something — a bearded Bible-y lookin’ bloke.” The three-photo collage has garnered a whopping four likes likely drawn in by the caption’s 38 hashtags.
Next week, he plans on crashing a bris.
“Catholic God obviously doesn’t know a good pop-and-lock when he sees one. Maybe now it’s time to see what Yahweh thinks.”
