One Seattle man is suddenly mourning the sense of safety he once had entering his front yard after discovering it’s now a full-fledged murder scene.
“I use to stroll right through here so innocently, but then I felt a tap on the back of my head,” quoth the Ravenna resident, Stanley Hedgebrook, who has been hiding in his home for the last three days. “Nevermore, nevermore.”
By the end of the week, the murder had been involved in several hits on neighbors as well.
“It’s just that time of year,” said Seattle Police Department spokesman Hank Reynolds, who was also struck while offering a bunch of information we didn’t ask for. “What you may not know, however, is that these murders aren’t actually cold-blooded — they’re endotherms, and they tend to run even hotter than some mammals. Often they get mistaken for — OW, WTF?!”
At press time, Hedgebrook said he was still hunkered down inside.
“They’re never flitting, still are sitting, still are sitting … below my front porch door.”
