After much speculation, it turns out rumors swirling since Seattle’s early May heatwave are true: The city’s Los Angeles expatriates have officially annexed Golden Gardens.
The group’s agent released a statement today saying that while the beach will keep its name, the new urban region surrounding it will soon be rebranded as ShilSwole Bay.
“We’re packing this beach with the finest babes, most cut dudes, loudest music and more beach towels per square foot than you’ve ever seen,” said agent Bobby Presley. “We’re stoked.”
Hoards of somehow tanned transplants began slowly staking down the territory with Coronas and jean cutoffs ever since enough sand was discovered in the area for Southern Californians to consider the shoreline “almost like a real beach.”
While transplants are celebrating the move, longtime Golden Garden regulars say they’ve been blindsided.
“Who the fuck are all these people?” said a local wearing a backpack and Keens on an evening walk to catch a glimpse of a literal beaver.
At press time, native residents were exploring ways to reverse the annexation and relocate the expats to Alki “where they belong.”
