There’s a reason theme-bar lovers are flocking to Seattle’s number one haunt for wannabe Vikings, and that is Pillage & Rape’s painstaking attention to historically accurate detail.
“We wanted rustic wooden walls of skinned animals, ropes and axes as well as feasts of meats and alcohol to hearken back to that we-just-raped-the-fuck-out-of-new-territory vibe,” said Ballard bar owner Erik Olsen. “Staying true to the Vikings’ well-earned reputation for unprompted and violent surprise invasions of vulnerable targets is important to us at Pillage & Rape.”
Patrons say the bar’s dedication to detail is inspiring.
“We’re all getting the sudden urge to raise mast at Shilshole Bay Marina,” said Leif Olafsson while out drinking with a few friends. “At sundown, we storm the riches and women of Bainbridge Island and become legend!”
The Viking-inspired list of libations keeps modern drinkers in mind, though. Here are some of our favorites:
- #MeToo Mead – This one’s for the MeToo-era drinker aching to imbibe the same flavor of honeysweet horseshit lapped up by cultures that rewarded violent invaders with non-consensual coitus. Huzzah!
- I Swear I’ll Akvavit – This drink is so sinfully good you’ll have to swear you’ll never do it again. This is the last time, you swear. No need for therapy. Your childhood was fine. Case closed.
- She Was Passed-Out Stout – This drink doesn’t have the conscious awareness to say no to you, so say yes to consuming as much as you want!
- Decide for Her Cider — Don’t worry your pretty little tongue: This rotating cider option will decide which fruits of life you’ll be able to enjoy today.
- Sour Bitch Beer – This beer’s for sour-note-loving palates who see a “there is so much cum on your face” comment made to a junior tribe member as an excusable tongue-in-cheek statement (probably not even aimed at her). Savor its subtle essences of bullshit.
- Revisionist Rum – For the Baltic pirate who needs to knock back a strong yet smooth new narrative, brand and PR strategy for a redemption story that lets people know he’s really not that bad. No one’s perfect. Let go of the past already to enjoy its aftertaste of whitewashed history.
- Valkyries Vodka Shot – If you think the humiliation of sexual violation stings, you haven’t felt anything yet: This vodka shot burns more intensely than the seemingly unbearable self-pity of a power-hungry pervert being held even slightly accountable for his actions. Don’t forget to chase this one down with a tart slice of go fuck yourself.
