After thriving within Seattle city limits for the last two decades as one of its most beloved and recognizable native species, the common skater boy is under threat from growing infestations of invasive bike-share riders.
E-bikers, though during the week often found zooming solo, typically form swarms on weekends, invading and sometimes destroying protected skater habitats as they roll through the city with heads as air-filled as their tires.
In addition to losing turf, skater boys are also finding their social functions, such as doing dumb things in traffic, being usurped by spaced out bike-share riders.
“I spent four months and broke a wrist perfecting my kick-flip 180 to nollie down Harbor steps, and my land was ruined cuz this Abercrombie-looking dude on a fucking lime-green bike was in the center of Western where I was supposed to be,” said “Brass Monkey” McCloud, veteran skater.
Attempts to engage bike-share riders for comment on the matter proved futile, as they were too clueless to notice what was happening around them.
Local UW environmental scientist Sherri Walt says that although bike-share riders have proved problematic, their impact may be nothing compared to the swarm of scooter-shares expected to hit Seattle soon.
“I know things are bad,” said Walt. “But I’m afraid we may have seen nothing yet.”
