Puffing Winston Lights as he leaned back in the chair of a Capitol Hill cafe’s outdoor patio, local yoga instructor Mark Roeman educated his brother-in-law today on the multitude of benefits a meat-free lifestyle provides to both individual and community health.
“Eating meat increases your risk of heart disease,” said Roeman while coughing and adjusting his man-bun. “Meat’s got all these chemicals in it that causes high cholesterol and, like, cancer — it’s just not worth the damage to your body, dude.”
After clearing phlegm from this throat and lighting up a second Winston, Roeman revealed that the benefits of plant-based diets do not end at the table.
“Going vegan has just made me feel clean, you know?” Roeman, flicking his cigarette butt into the planter to his right. “And, honestly, you don’t have that guilt associated with contributing to environmental destruction either.”
Latest reports on Roeman’s lecture indicate his brother-in-law was successfully convinced to try his own detox by walking solo to Market House Meats for their fattest pastrami sandwich on rye, extra cheese.
