The Seattle Police Department has confirmed a man with a pre-partied posse of his boys died at Capitol Hill axe-throwing bar Blade & Timber Friday night, as expected.
The hottest new spot on Broadway, patrons take turns hurling axes at walls after certified axe-throwers show millennials how to do something they’ve only seen on Game of Thrones.
“This place has been open a week,” said SPD Sgt. Ryan Longwell at a media briefing. “Our detectives are doing everything they can to figure out what took so long.”
Longwell said that — given the lethal cocktail of humans who have barely finished cognitive brain development, raging testosterone and sharp projectiles—it’s remarkable that no one had lodged a steel blade into someone’s sternum until tonight.
“I don’t know what’s going on with our society and our youth,” a reflective Longwell added. “Bad aim? Lack of Little League participation? The fading star of traditional masculine stereotypes? We may never know.”
Bar owners Steve Oakley and Brad Stevens said they’re doing their best to acquire a liquor license to improve their establishment’s rate of expected outcomes.
