Following the disappearance of Fremont’s famed Center of the Universe guidepost sign, area resident Dan Smithsfield has offered himself up as its “long-overdue replacement.”
Standing resolutely in the center of Fremont’s busiest intersection, Dan opened his arms to the sun as drivers honked and cheered the return of the center of the universe to their neighborhood.
“The spirit of the sign has always been within me,” said Dan. “In fact, the sign never really disappeared — it has merely been absorbed into the very core of my being, where it belongs.”
Dan said he currently rents an apartment in Tacoma, but feels it’s his duty to uphold Fremont’s special relationship to his ego.
“I am finally where I am supposed to be physically, spiritually, universally, and now the rest of the world is too.”
Dan’s relatives and friends confirmed that he has long been rather self-centered. Now that he is officially universe-centered, they say they’ll finally set aside habits of speaking out against his desires to be perpetually kept at the center of everyone’s attention and admiration.
“You know, sometimes people try to act like they’re the center of the universe, but Dan knows how to be it,” said his sister, Amy Fields. “Can’t wait for everyone else’s lives to revolve around him too.”
