In what is either a savvy public relations move or a desperate attempt to fill gaps in a woefully understaffed department, Seattle Police have appointed a specially-trained chimpanzee to the role of detective.
“Detective Bubbles has undergone an extensive training program,” said SPD Deputy Chief Mike O’Neill. “He’s easily one of the most qualified investigators in the animal kingdom, and probably our entire department.”
O’Neill declined to address SPD’s dangerously low staffing levels, but says the department chose a chimpanzee because of their high levels of intelligence, strength, loyalty and how adorable they look wearing a police-issue eight-point hat and mirrored sunglasses.
With only one week on the job, Detective Bubbles reportedly assisted in breaking up an auto theft ring, passed all of his firearms courses with flying colors, and has already shown the composure and temperament of a seasoned police investigator.
“He jerks off at his desk every now and again and smears his shit on the walls when he’s mad,” says Alan Walsh, one of Bubbles’ squadmates. “He’s fitting right in.”
