Seattle — Amazon.com (AMZ) is issuing a nationwide recall of its house-brand cereal, Bez-Os, after dozens were reportedly sickened, leaving them bald, rippling with muscles, and unable to withstand direct sunlight.
“We’re voluntarily recalling 100,000 boxes of America’s number-one brand of cereal delivered in a box within a box,” says Amazon spokesman Mark Wimbley. “We want consumers to have confidence in the products Amazon sells. We are not, in any way, attempting to raise an army of the undead.”
Despite the recall and reports of health issues related to Bez-Os, one Snoqualmie, Wash. boy says he’s stocked up on his favorite cereal and won’t be giving it up anytime soon.
“Bez-O’s make me feel strong, vigorous…unafraid,” said Charlie Palmer, 8. “I will be prepared for The Master’s arrival.”
Charlie’s parents, Sue and Will Palmer, say they aren’t worried about any of the cereals’ reported ill effects.
“Oh, goodness, no,” says Sue Palmer. “Our boy’s been strong as an ox since he started eating that stuff. He’s been up at all hours of the night, working on some sorta project in the basement. He wants to keep it a secret for now, but we’re real excited to see whatever he’s been up to!”
In spite of the recall, Amazon’s stock price had risen nearly $6 per share in the last week due to a dramatic spike in online coffin sales.
