North Seattle philanthropists rejoiced today when they learned police had swept a large homeless encampment just in time for their 9th Annual Walk to End Homelessness 5K this weekend.

“It’s a miracle! For the homeless people we’re fundraising for—wherever they are now—and our fundraiser,” said 5K organizer Andrea Suarez. “I was starting to get nervous that if all those icky tents weren’t cleared in time Starbucks’ pup cup van wouldn’t have a safe place to park. My poor corgi would have had to walk an entire 5K without a treat. Could you imagine Fluffy’s distress?!”

Presented by We Heart Seattle, the event is reportedly “fun for the whole family” who can pick up free lunches from some of the area’s most popular food trucks, swag bags from corporate sponsors with water bottles, socks, and to-go hygiene kits with adorable travel-sized toothpastes.

“It’s a lot of hard work, but feels so rewarding to give back and inspire empathy in these divisive times,” Suarez said. “Now I’m just waiting for someone from the North Precinct to confirm whether they’re free to do the security for my Black Lives Matter fun-run in Fremont next month.”

At press time, Suarez said none of it could have been possible without help from fellow advocates for ending homelessness Mayor Bruce Harrell and Seattle City Councilmembers Tanya Woo, Sara Nelson, Bob Kettle, Maritza Rivera, Joy Hollingsworth, Cathy McMorris Rogers and Rob Saka.

Previous articleChildless Woman with Cat Allergies Just Wants to Feel Included in Misogynist Tirades
Next articleSmith Tower Vaporized After Seattle Central Library Accidentally Turns Sunbeam into Death Star Laser