To celebrate the rare combination of Earth Day and the first night of Passover happening on the same day, today God announced he’d be celebrating the special occasion with a new plague to save the planet.
“Look, I know I could be more subtle like you guys and with a snap of my fingers just eliminate plastic straws or some dumb shit like that but, you’re moving too slow and if it’s between humans and a lot of the cute little eco-systems I’ve made for millions of other creatures, sorry, all of you assholes have gotta go,” said God. “Honestly, I kinda already practiced this new plague thing back in 2020 because I was rusty, but you little rascals somehow mostly survived that. This time you’re gonna have to do a lot more than just hole up inside because this new one has already infiltrated most of your homes: The Tortured Poets Department. Pretty depressing, right? Not even one bop.”
Before accepting their imminent demise, the world expressed shock that God had turned out to be such an eco-fascist.
“Look, I already let you guys know what’s up years ago through Prophet George Carlin who verily said, ‘The planet is fine; the people are fucked!’” God said, shuddering at why his Private Jet-winged Archangel of Death Taylor Swift left those lyrics in about the 1830s. “It’s so hard to watch this slow-motion trainwreck human creation of mine anymore that I’d quite frankly rather just listen to Taylor’s. Alexa, play ‘I Can Do It with a Broken Heart.’”
At press time, a chosen few humans still pleading with God saying “I can fix the Earth, no really I can” were reportedly allowed to protect themselves over the next week by smearing compost on their doorframes and listening to nothing but Chappell Roan.
