After driving Seattle residents into their homes last month to quarantine away from a pandemic, God has unveiled Part 2 of his dastardly plan to punish the city for its wicked ways: A series of gorgeously sunny days, each surpassing the last with its beauty and warmth.
To ensure that even those foolhardy enough to weather the Almighty’s threats of disease to experience this rash of lovely spring days, God has instructed his minions to close all public parks and beaches and make sure that no groups of people congregate to enjoy the tantalizing April afternoons he has set before them.
“Why?! My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” yelled one barefoot, shirtless man waving a frisbee in his small sun-drenched front yard. “For what such sin am I banned from Alki Beach on this glorious spring day?”
Sources close to the one and only true God say the plagues may be leftover holy passive aggression for the Seattle Mariners’ failure to win the 1995 World Series.
“Seattle really has no excuse for that unforgettable failure,” said local theologist James Peterson. “When stay-at-home and quarantine orders are lifted, I fully expect local weather to be as shitty as meteorologically possible.”
