With mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech bros to the Olympic Peninsula.
“The fellas mean well, but they’re a non-native species that’s creating increasing damage to the local ecosystem–HWAAATTH,” said lead relocation project manager Reed Luskin before blowing an air-dart tranquilizer into an unsuspecting South Lake Union worker earlier today.
Relocation staff promptly blindfolded the backpack-toting young man and stuffed his lanyard into his shirt as they secured him into an orange full-body harness dangling from a helicopter rope. He, along with two other tech bros in tow, were later airlifted and released on the Peninsula somewhere near the intersection of Kitchen-Dick and Woodcock Roads.
“Plenty of room for them to roam out there and nice views of Mount Baker if they can find their way to the coast — I hear there’s even internet in Port Angeles!” Luskin said. “We’re going to move as many as we can this year while the weather’s nice.”
In related news, the Duwamish Tribe says they’ve been inspired to rent helicopters as well to relocate a few additional non-native species from the Seattle area to as far as Europe.
