The Seattle Police Department announced today that they will be providing 200 officers free-of-charge to protect the constitutional rights of Purrshoot Church Northwest TM, who, under the guidance of their leader, Russett Johannson, will be hosting a religious ceremony called “Puppy Murder for Christ” at the International Fountain at the Seattle Center next Sunday.
The event, which is fully permitted by both Seattle Parks and the Seattle City Council, will involve the group singing of country-music-based hymns, keynote addresses by several well-known online evangelists as well as local Republican leaders, and the brutal public torture and murder of an estimated 1000 kittens, puppies, guinea pigs, gerbils, and rabbits.
“We believe in the right to freedom of speech and freedom of religion, which is why we will be arresting anyone who publicly speaks out against this event and making sure that only Bonafide members of the right denomination of ferret-fenestrating Christians are allowed into the park while it’s happening,” said SPD spokesman Sgt. Braxtynleigh Rommelhimler as he violently stabbed a box labelled “Live Hamsters, This End Up,” which squeaked weakly and began to leak a red liquid. “Of course we are, as a department, politically neutral and totally unaffiliated with the Great and Wonderful Divine Prophet Russett Johannson and His Bountiful Congregat- I mean, uh, Purrshoot Church Northwest TM. Was a park usually full of small children playing necessarily the best place to celebrate sadistic torture of small fluffy animals? Not for us or the city to decide.”
When reached for comment, Purrshoot Church Northwest TM informed us they couldn’t talk now, as they were already preparing to sue the city for not doing enough yet to support their right to publicly stone adulterous Bichon Frisés in the name of Jesus.
