Several urban experts walking around the Emerald City today issued a report verifying that every part of Seattle is in fact still obviously an absolutely abhorrent shithole everyone should stay as far as possible from.
“Everywhere you look, your view is marred by Mount Rainier, the snowcapped Olympics and, this morning right next to the aquarium on the waterfront, a whole pod of orcas,” said Seattle resident Chelsea Carson as she sighed at the burden of her giant $20 lilac and tulip bouquet from Pike Place Market. “When they say Seattle Is Dying, especially since CHOP took over the whole city five years ago, they aren’t kidding—crimefest city right here, especially for that sea lion the killer whales had for lunch right in front of us #RestInLiteralPieces.”
Every stretch of the city was an absolute terror to be in according to several sources, especially those walking around the neighborhoods.
“On my afternoon walk, I was accosted by countless rhodies and several other flowers that refused to stop stealing my eyeballs,” said Weslie Perkins. “It’s just not safe, healthy or enjoyable to walk around any part of this city anymore.”
At press time, an oppressive sunset was forcing everyone to look at it and its gay pink colors.
