One local Seattleite reportedly emerged from his weighted-blanket chrysalis today and spread his wings as an anti-social butterfly.
“After six long months of winter isolation, I think I’m finally ready for exactly as much social interaction as it takes to get a cup of coffee and mumble ‘thank you’ to the worker manning the self-checkout before I rush back home,” said local anti-social butterfly Paul Anderson. “Then again, the barista might want to make small talk about the weather, and I could run into someone from high school at the store—you know what, I’ll just DoorDash it.”
UW scientists studying the phenomenon were reportedly observing the effect warmer, sunnier weather was having on the anti-social butterflies on campus.
“The long winters can make it difficult to coax the anti-social butterflies out of their cozy homes, but the irresistible allure of the cherry blossoms are starting to draw them into public,” said UW grad student Melanie Campbell, observing with binoculars from behind a tree. “Ah yes, there’s one now: headphones in, hands in pockets, shuffling around the quad to enjoy the blossoms while keeping careful distance from human contact. Ah, damn it, that guy asking for petition signatures scared him off.”
At press time, Seattle’s anti-social butterflies were reportedly being systematically hunted down and cornered by their natural predator, the midwestern small-talk sparrow.
