Tragedy struck today after Health Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. was reportedly vaccinated by a lone doctor wielding a long-range syringe from a nearby grassy knoll.
“We’re still gathering all the facts, but it appears that Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was just struck with a syringe fired by a lone doctor while he was driving through Dallas in his motorcade,” said reporter Roger Marston. “Hold on, I’m just now getting word—oh my God. Ladies and gentleman, it’s my unfortunate duty to report that RFK Jr. has been tragically vaccinated. Our thoughts and prayers are with his wife Cheryl Hines, who will no doubt spend the next few months spoon feeding him ivermectin, injecting him in the ass with adrenochrome, and finding countless potatoes in all his socks as he tries to reverse this vicious medical miracle.”
While the anti-vaccine community mourned at activated charcoal-light vigils across the country, conspiracy theorists found the ‘vaxxassination’ suspicious.
“You expect me to believe this was the work of a single doctor who was able to give him a complete vaccine series and boosters from 250 feet away—right before RFK Jr. was about to blow the lid off the vaccine-industrial complex?” said conspiracy theorist Frank Brewer. “Now suddenly the government changed the story to say it was just some nurse in a 6th story window, and that there was no second doctor on the grassy knoll? And don’t you find the timing a little suspicious when the deep state forced him to walk back his anti-vaxx claims after that false flag measles outbreak in Texas?”
At press time Brewer was reportedly working on his next conspiracy theory, alleging Bigfoot was actually a nine-year old girl from North Bend who grew to be a ten-foot hairy monstrosity after receiving her COVID booster.
