Today born-and-bred Seattle native Hank Sanderson confessed that when he told transplants back in the nineties that real Seattleites don’t use umbrellas, he never meant for the myth to go this far.
“I was just hoping that if new people were constantly wet and uncomfortable, they wouldn’t last long here—there were so many of them! I had the best of intentions,” said Sanderson, shaking his head under the dry safety of his own trusty umbrella. “Next thing you know, they’re staying, getting grifted by REI’s Gore-Tex gear, and reproducing here. Now their kids think things have always been this way, and it’s a lie I tell you—all a dirty lie! I’m sorry! Every time I see a drenched kid proud to be out in the pouring rain wearing only a beanie I wonder how I live myself. The horror—the horror!”
Despite Sanderson’s efforts to unveil the truth and end people’s winter-long shivering, wet suffering, many are now accusing him of not being a real Seattleite.
“The longest running music festival in Seattle, Bumbershoot, is literally named after an umbrella, you fools!” Sanderson said. “You can stop acting like you’re keeping dry underneath that unbreathable waterproof shell you’re actually sweating your ass off in whenever you’re ready, folks.”
At press time, real estate agents Bob McDonald and Jim Youngren agreed it was too late to undo the local myth that their iconic “Will the last person leaving Seattle turn out the lights” billboard was completely sincere and not actually making fun of the “Seattle is dying” crowd all the way back in the 70s.
