After weeks of trying to strike up friendly conversations with people about their neighbors, lonely and distraught local ICE Agent Martin Briggs says no one is talking to him here because of the Seattle Freeze.
“I’m just a nice guy who cares about your community wondering what your neighbors do for a living, when they’re at home, when they’re at work, what their names are, etc. but no one will talk to me,” said Agent Briggs wiping tears from his face. “And when I say they have to talk to me because I’m an ICE Agent, they just keep saying they don’t know anything about anyone and it’s just so mean!”
When asked if he thinks there might be any other reason no one wants to talk or be friends with him, Agent Briggs said that was impossible.
“No, there’s no getting through to these awful, unwelcoming people,” Agent Briggs said. “I’m not even asking for them to literally lick my boots, even though obviously it’s what any courteous American would do as soon as they see me. I just want to know if they’re friends with Julio Cervantez and which unit he and his mother might be living in.”
At press time, Agent Briggs said he just wished Seattle could be a bit more welcoming and stop telling him to “go back where you came from” because he doesn’t even remember how to speak Alabama anymore.
