After struggling to hire enough officers even with recently increased salaries and bonuses, today the Seattle Police Department announced it’s unexpectedly on track to meet 2025 staffing goals after more than 1,500 candidates said to be “a perfect culture fit” suddenly appeared overnight.
“It’s one thing to find recruits who know how to excuse shooting anything that moves,” said new Seattle Police Chief Shon Barnes. “But it’s so much harder to find people who can blend in easily at a precinct decorated with Trump banners, items from memorials of people your colleagues have shot and killed themselves displayed like trophies, and countless framed desk photos of domestic abuse victims. Then—out of the blue today like MAGA from heaven—more than 1,500 of them appeared for some reason and applied at SPD.”
Two re-hired on the spot were previously fired SPD officers who no longer have to worry about charges related to the Jan. 6 insurrection thanks to President Donald Trump’s pardon of more than 1,500 people who allegedly participated in it today.
“No other police department in the nation had as many officers at the nation’s U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 as SPD and we’d hate it if anyone forgot that—glad to have them back,” Barnes said. “I don’t even see why it’s a big deal to be part of a violent mob openly threatening to detain and kill lawmakers like Seattle’s House Rep. Pramila Jayapal, who was trapped in the House gallery that day with a recently operated on leg that could make it impossible to run for her life. Maybe she’ll even recognize them and they’ll have a good old laugh about it together!”
At press time, SPD said the majority of candidates had already passed their background checks to confirm they’d been charged in enough drunk and reckless driving incidents to prove they’re fit to high-tail it 75 mph to non-emergency calls without a siren or lights on.
