Bottled water producer Nestlé announced today that they would respond to the ongoing LA wildfires by rushing to obtain the region’s remaining water before the LAFD can senselessly give it all away for free.
“When we looked around at the devastating environmental impact that the wildfires were having on Los Angeles, we knew it was simply unacceptable that firefighters were carelessly spraying all that liquid gold around without a single thought toward shareholder value,” said Nestlé CEO Laurent Freixe. “Our team moved quickly to drain the remaining water from the reservoirs as quickly as possible before those firefighters carelessly gave away all that life-saving water for free. Once we’ve finished bottling it, they’ll be free to purchase it from their local retailer and battle the historic blaze in a more responsible, regulated manner.”
Los Angeles’ wealthier residents were reportedly pleased with the capitalist solution to water distribution during the ongoing disaster.
“Thank goodness someone finally had the common sense to step in and put an end to these socialist aquatic handouts,” said Keith Wasserman, co-founder of real estate investment company Gelt Venture Partners. “It had gotten so bad here that I could barely hire private firefighters to respond to wildfires at my fourth and fifth properties because they were too busy wastefully dispersing water across the entire city! Why should they get water first when I’m able to pay more? Sounds like communism to me.”
At press time, the region’s tech CEOs announced plans to vaporize whatever water wasn’t bottled to produce a single AI-generated image of what Los Angeles would look like if it wasn’t on fire.
