Today Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. released a report warning Americans that he and one chiropractor he found on YouTube believe vaccines are what’s causing the sudden spike in March Madness.
“The rates of both measles vaccinations and people filling out NCAA college basketball tournament brackets have skyrocketed, and there’s only one way to explain it: Vaccines cause March Madness,” said RFK Jr.. “There are disturbing reports that some are going so insane they’re predicting unheard-of teams like High Point will make it as far as the Final Four. We’re trying to contain it by telling people to take cod liver oil instead of measles vaccines, but please report to the CDC any symptoms of DraftKings usage or suddenly caring about VCU so we can cure them with an IV drip of $Trump meme coins.”
Local RFK Jr. fan Dale Montgomery said this is exactly why he’s not getting his kids vaccinated no matter how bad the measles outbreak gets.
“I won’t make the same mistakes my parents did—they vaccinated me as a kid and now every year my picks flop in the first round, and I end up with the worst bracket in the office,” said Montgomery. “I don’t want my children betting big on Gonzaga like I did.”
RFK Jr. confirmed that, sadly, vaccine rates are so high in the Seattle area that he expects thousands will witness a full-blown March Madness tournament round in the city by this weekend.
