In another financial blow to air travelers after Southwest said it was ending its free two-checked bags policy, today Alaska Airlines said it would begin charging passengers emotional baggage fees.
“This really sucks – usually I get to trauma dump my emotional baggage on whoever picked a seat near me for free, but now I guess I have to pay $35 if I want to spend the flight talking about how I was a parentified child,” said Rebecca Weir after checking in 40 pounds of unresolved childhood trauma. “It’s another $45 if on top of that I want to spend the flight also talking about how I’m pretty sure my last romantic partner had a severe Cluster B personality disorder. I guess it’s still cheaper than therapy, but what’s next? Taking your shoes off mid-flight fees?”
The new fee policy has reportedly been a nightmare for Alaska employees weighing customers’ emotional baggage at the check-in desk.
“I can’t tell you how many times people go over the emotional baggage weight limit: I tell them they gotta get rid of something and lo and behold for some reason they packed Chad cheating on them for their trip to Tulum—just why? Might as well pack a bowling ball while you’re at it,” said Alaska employee Sara Sparks. “We highly recommend the free small carry-on emotional bag and personal vendetta item option, which is all you really need to stay emotionally on-edge wherever you travel.”
At press time, Alaska said it would also begin charging $9 to use in-flight human emotional connection.
