Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We got an email from DOGE this morning confirming that in order to better streamline jetstreams, we need to follow Trump’s orders and deport La Niña immediately,” said NWS Seattle meteorologist Chris McCloud. “We’re not really sure what the president hates so much about La Niña—that it sounds like it’s Spanish, a child, or a female not currently in a beauty pageant locker room he can barge into unannounced—but it’s probably all three. Anyway, even though the request is completely ridiculous, we told them we used a ghostbuster vacuum to suck her up and then had her flown out of Boeing airfield to Guatemala this morning. If they ask any questions about why it’s still raining here in Seattle, please just tell them they’re liberal tears or something.”
Local atmospheric scientist and weather blogger Cliff Mass quickly wrote of his support of the plan to remove La Niña on his blog.
“With English as the official U.S. language, we should only accept northward jet streams caused by The Girl,” wrote Mass. “However, letting The Girl bring weather into our country is DEI climate, and I’ve been very clear that diversity, equity and inclusion is basically the same as Jim Crow. I look forward to President Trump’s plan to send The Girl packing so we can take the weather-making ability away from democrats and finally bring meteorological manufacturing back to America.”
High School Senior DOGE Engineer Big Little Balls told The Needling that La Niña needed to be deported immediately after Elon Musk’s AI program determined the main reason the country needs the National Weather Service is to predict the economic and safety impacts of weather patterns like La Niña.
“Getting rid of La Niña means we can get rid of NWS—literally a no-brainer,” said Little Big Balls on a call from his mother’s basement. “And because we’re strengthening our borders with an airtight wall, there’s literally no way her brother El Niño is ever sneaking back in here again either.”
At press time, President Trump was further cracking down on DEI weather by instituting hiring ban on all female-named hurricanes from the nation’s community demolition industry.
