Today Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol announced an even larger mass layoff for the corporate coffee giant after quarterly earnings were way down or up or the same.
“Guys, I know this is going to be rough to hear, and that’s why I commuted all the way to Seattle by private jet from my home in Southern California to tell you this in-person: Unfortunately, we don’t have the money to keep half of you employed anymore,” said Niccol at an all-hands meeting this morning at Starbucks’ Seattle headquarters. “We took a hard look at the numbers after making $36.2 billion last year, and it’s just what we have to do no matter whatever the fuck this earnings report actually says if me or anyone on the Board decides we could make a few extra million this year than we did last year without completely tanking the company. We’re still a people-first company, but let’s not forget companies are people too and they’ve got a big family of billionaire Board members with an unquenchable thirst for more money and power at any cost to others to feed.”
Asked what financial target employees could hit to avoid layoffs from happening, Niccol said just more money in general—a lot more.
“Would we most likely still experiment with laying thousands of you off even then just to see how ragged we could run the remaining employees doing twice the work for the same pay if it meant any increase in what the company’s C-suite, Board members and shareholders make? On a dime!” Niccol said. “But, there’s a chance we wouldn’t so keep working your asses off! We’re all family here, so trust me, we will probably never fully pay you back for that.”
At press time, most people in Seattle were still getting their coffee anywhere but Starbucks no matter if the prices of their drinks are down, up, or the same.
