The local scientific community is buzzing today following the discovery of an uncontacted tribe of Mall Santas living inside the abandoned Pacific Place Mall.
“It’s been an eternity since anyone has set foot in the Pacific Place Mall, and in that time it appears that a small group of Mall Santas that were left behind have created a thriving community,” said anthropologist Richard Benoit, observing the Mall Santa Tribe from a safe distance. “However we have to be careful to keep our distance, as any attempt to make contact thus far has been met with hostility. They’ve barricaded their festive village with razor sharp tinsel and one of our researchers was hospitalized after he stepped on a trap made from razor sharp candy canes.”
Researchers from the University of Washington were attempting to learn more about the Mall Santa Tribe’s culture.
“Based on some of the artifacts like see-through iMac computers and Pog deposits that we’ve recovered , remnants of this remote Mall Santa community must go back as far as the late 90s,” said UW researcher Paulina Conrad, examining a fossilized Terry’s chocolate orange. “They appear to trade Beanie Babies as currency and hold ceremonies around a withered Christmas tree husk, but above all they treasure a 1994 Toys R’ Us catalogue that appears to be the holy scripture they base their worship upon. There does appear to be a fracture in their community, however, as one sect believes Geoffrey the Giraffe is the second coming of Santa himself, whereas the other considers Geoffrey just another of Santa’s prophets.”
Researchers were attempting to learn more about the Mall Santas by dressing a scientist as a child and trying to sit on the lap of the Santa Tribe’s leader to gain information about their culture.
