Tired of decades of habitat loss and starvation, today the beloved Coca-Cola Polar Bears reportedly took matters into their own paws by mauling the company’s CEO.
“Our habitat is shrinking, and I haven’t had a nice seal dinner in months. Meanwhile, we’ve been out here busting our stubby little tails every Christmas since the 90’s and all we have to show for it is a holiday ‘bonus’ coupon for a six-pack of Coke,” said the polar bear’s cola-stained manifesto. “They dump three million tons of plastic a year—are we supposed to hunt on the Great Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch after the Earth’s ice caps completely melt as a treat? Plus I haven’t seen my cousins at the Woodland Park Zoo in twenty years–would it kill them to give us a Christmas off for once? Well, technically yes in this case, but you know what I meant.”
While many mascots were rising up against their corporate oppressors, others were coming to the defense of their employers.
“After everything our benevolent CEOs have done for us mascots, I can’t believe that that polar bear would do such an awful thing,” said Ronald McDonald, counting his cash from the UnitedHealthcare bounty. “We have a responsibility to defend our business leaders from any and all consequences, regardless of how their actions might affect us or the world. Those polar bears better watch out because we’ve got 1,500 McDonald’s in Alaska and Canada and Ronald’s network of minimum-wage spies don’t get the holidays off.”
At press time, police reported that they already had several black bears in custody.
