President Trump’s pardon spree continued today after he announced that he would formally pardon Howard Schultz for the unforgivable crime of moving the Seattle Supersonics to Oklahoma City.
“Sniveling Schultz got on his knees and begged me for a pardon for moving the Sonics—it was very pathetic, blubbering like Elon when I told him he couldn’t sit on my lap and sign executive orders. I told him get rid of Starbucks’ DEI holiday cups and put the tits back on the mermaid and I’ll do it,” said Trump, showing the pardon paperwork to the cameras. “Many people are saying I should move the entire city to Oklahoma. I wish I could, but the fake news won’t report that woke ANTIFA transgenders burned Seattle down five years ago. Nothing left but rainbow ashes, very sad!”
Despite no longer being Starbucks CEO, Schultz gleefully accepted his pardon and reportedly rushed to the Starbucks board to do the President’s bidding.
“Oh thank you Mr. President, you won’t regret this! I’ve spoken to the Starbucks Board of Directors and I’ve convinced them to unveil Starbucks’ new pumpkin spiced MAGAccino and ‘Confederate Pride Month’ holiday cups this fall,” said Schultz, hanging up his phone. “Trump didn’t actually ask me to do any of that, but by complying in advance I’m sure that he’ll notice me and I’ll continue to get extra special treatment in the future!”
Eagle-eyed Sonics fans had begun to suspect that Schultz earned the pardon by storming the capitol on January 6th after archival photos showed a man wearing a headdress made from the Sasquatch mascot.
Photo of Howard Schultz by Gage Skidmore CC BY-SA 2.0
