Just in time for the late fall season’s soggiest and most stubborn damp leaves, an innovative, high-powered new leaf blower that just hit the market reportedly moves as many as six whole wet leaves a minute.
“Tired of pointing your 3-foot motorized fall phallus at a glob of wet leaves for five minutes before even one of them budges? Those days are over,” said Black and Decker spokesman Kevin Kevinson. “With the new Leaf and Ear Drum Blower 5000, you can move a record six whole leaves a minute—that’s only 6,000 less leaves than what a rake or just your bare hands could move in an hour!”
Families across the Pacific Northwest say they know what they’re getting Dad for Christmas now.
“If there anything Dad likes more than wearing socks with sandals, it’s spending an hour disassociating and pointing a leaf blower into a heavy, oversaturated pile of decomposing leaves that’ve congealed together into a seemingly immovable mass,” said local teen Chris Morris of his father. “He loves it so much he’s too deaf now to even hear us plan getting him a new leaf blower right out loud in front of him. Maybe he’ll even spend some of the time he saves using it with me!”
At press time, every asshole with a yard had reportedly already gotten one and decided no one who lives anywhere near them is going to sleep or concentrate on anything well for the rest of the season.
