American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
“We always wondered why President Trump never had a presidential pet during his first term, but now we know: He was just waiting patiently for the perfect, precious little curly-haired billionaire to crawl into his lap and call him Papa,” said White House aide Paul Klein. “Mark has quickly warmed up to President Trump, hanging on his every word and eager to dart into action at his every command. Usually we have to do some work to train the Presidential pets, but this submissive little guy seems to have voluntarily subjugated himself for the promise of treats without any effort at all!”
Meanwhile White House historians were unsure how to classify this historic Presidential pet.
“We’re not exactly sure what species of pet to classify Mark as—we’ve already ruled out canine, based on the general lack of charisma, as well as human, based on—well, look at how the guy fails to say or do anything remotely human,” said historian Matthew Hogan. “Lizard is a popular candidate, but we’re currently leaning towards worm based on his general lack of spine and propensity to wiggle his way out of any accountability for his actions, as well as his natural ability to thrive amongst the filth he himself shat out—no offense to worms.”
Confused Needling reporters later confirmed that Elon Musk prancing about sensitive government server rooms wearing cat ears and a plush tail was somehow completely unrelated.
