Despite no evidence that the most tragic airplane crash over U.S. soil in years had anything to do with Boeing’s increasingly questionable manufacturing practices, today the corporation reflexively apologized anyway for “yet again cutting too many innocent people’s lives short.”
“We are listening, we are learning and we are owning up to our mistakes,” said a written statement from Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg, despite the fact that the jetliner was manufactured in Canada by Canair and its make had nothing to do with the cause of the crash. “We will do everything in our power to make sure whatever happened today never happens again.”
According to some anonymous sources in the Boeing comms department, the company’s CEO requested the same statement put out after the door plug accident over Portland be reflexively copied, pasted and released any time news of an airplane malfunction or crash occurs.
“Look, I can’t be getting bothered with all these boring details about engineering and permanent trauma every time one of our planes inevitably begins falling apart in the air,” Ortberg reportedly told comms staff today in between sips of a Mai Tai from his mansion boat off the coast of Bali. “I don’t care how much we are or aren’t at fault—it’s not like we’d ever be really punished or held accountable in any way either way. Just put it on our tab and kill anything but my vibe right now.”
At press time, NTSB officials were doing their best to convince Boeing they weren’t involved at all in this tragedy so that no other untimely and completely unexpected deaths have to occur.
