After weeks of sticking to an unpopular 5-days-a-week return-to-office order despite increased Seattle area car traffic and pollution that seemingly didn’t align with its Climate Pledge goals, today Amazon clarified that its Climate Pledge was always just a promise to change the climate, not necessarily improve it.
“We never said we were committed to changing it specifically for the better – we’re simply committed to changing it which ever way the president we’re currently sucking up to wants it changed,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy. “Under Biden, that meant acting like we we’re into not contributing to burning forests. Under Trump? It happens to mean wanting a fair amount of things literally on fire. Now pardon me: I need to get back to planning this big UFC Fight at Climate Pledge that will also change the social climate here in Seattle—again, not for the better—by bringing in unhealthy amounts of Joe Rogan and Dana White fans.”
Local environmentalists say they’re shocked at the corporation’s about-face on truly fighting global warming.
“Whoever thought that a multi-trillion-dollar corporation that treats its workers like shit to enable every shopaholic’s need for immediate gratification as soon as possible wasn’t serious about stopping global warming?” said local environmentalist Liza Bentley. “It’s almost like naming an arena after its Climate Pledge was always just a a PR stunt to draw attention away from its own workers protesting the way the company is hurting the environment. It’s almost exactly like that or something”
At press time, Jassy assured everyone that Amazon’s still very into sustainability and green solutions that have to do with the corporation’s c-suite sustaining its low tax rate and increasingly inhumane profit-margins.
