A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as threats against healthcare insurance CEOs.
“We take any and all threats against healthcare insurance CEOs extremely seriously, and that goes double for the passive aggressive ones here in Seattle,” said FBI agent Timothy Bartleby. “We have several eyewitnesses that said the suspect muttered something under his breath about being ready to ‘fire out a scathing Yelp review.’ We intend to complete a full investigation, but if security footage finds that he did in fact roll his eyes, I think we’ll have enough to put this terrorist scumbag in a black site holding cell for the rest of his life.”
Walgreens CEO Tim Wentworth was reportedly shocked that such a potentially dangerous incident could have happened in one of his company’s stores.
“I can’t fathom why someone would commit such an unspeakable act against our nation’s brave healthcare insurers, and in somewhere as beloved as a corporate pharmacy,” said Wentworth. “How can anyone be upset while sitting among your fellow Americans in a Walgreens? The thrill when the pharmacist finally calls your name after 40 minutes, the excitement as the pill bottle rattles around in your hand, the jazzy waiting music when you call your insurance company to find out why only half the cost of your medication was covered—sorry, I’m getting a little emotional, but how can you not be romantic about healthcare premiums?”
At press time, the suspect had been handed a life sentence and ordered to be locked up behind a glass security case.
