Today tenants of local negligent landlord Roy Nauhart were spared trekking all the way to Alki, Golden Gardens or Matthews Beach after he graciously treated them to an in-unit New Year’s Day polar plunge.
“Aw, guys it was nothing, really—literally not a cent or second of my time,” said Nauhart as he scanned without opening several emails entitled variations of “SHOWER FREEZING COLD,” “Wtf no hot water again?” and “HYPOTHERMIC.” “Cutting-edge amenities like cold plunge baths are just part of why I have to charge you all as much rent as possible, which is why I better get every cent of it today after your at-home, luxury Wim Hof experience. Men, I’ll kindly wait for your genitalia to unretract from inside your bodies, but not much longer—again, you’re welcome.”
When asked directly how they liked their new building amenity of exclusive cold plunges this year, tenants sounded less than enthused for some reason.
“When the main circuit breaker blew out in June last year, our landlord called that early Fourth of July fireworks,” said tenant Chris Peters. “And when the elevator was out of order for three months, that was built-in hiking fitness training. I’m tired of the ‘surprise amenities’ and would much rather get the ones I’m owed for paying rent and utilities. But I guess since Mayor Harrell laid off nearly every city employee that used to be able to hold landlords like this guy accountable, I’ll have to deal until my lease is up and I can move to some ritzy building where the showers are always at least room temperature.”
After tenants came together and almost pounded Nauhart’s door down to thank him this afternoon, Nauhart reportedly succumbed to the guilt of stolen valor and admitted he was just a building manager for apartment properties owned by Tanya Woo.
