Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
“I told Santa this was going to happen but no, he just had to try to save a couple bucks by contracting out to Boeing,” said Elf engineer Jinglebolt Hammersparkle, scrambling to repair an older decommissioned sleigh. “Of course the first thing Boeing did was replace all the union Elf-labor and hire a bunch of MBAs with genius ideas like ‘fire Rudolph and strap a flashlight to Prancer’s face at a fraction of the cost.’ The kids might not be getting presents this year, but don’t you worry: The board somehow found enough cash laying around to pay out the CEO’s milk and cookie bonus!”
Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg explained that some cheerful cuts were necessary to streamline production and allocate the appropriate amount of cheer to optimize the magic of the holiday season.
“I assure you that our new fleet of Boeing Humbug 737’s are perfectly safe—in fact, I have it on good authority that a seven-year-old wrote to Santa specifically asking for that landing gear that fell on his house in Spokane,” said Ortberg. “And moving the sleigh manufacturing plant from the North Pole to South Carolina was necessary to ensure a steady flow of presents could be delivered on time to the good boys and girls on our board’s ‘Nice List.’ I think you’ll find that North Charleston is just as charming around Christmas without all the inefficiencies associated with unionized Elf labor.”
Santa’s availability for future Christmas holidays is uncertain after Rudolph was reportedly crushed by a door plug falling off a Boeing 737 Max headed for New York.
