Since it didn’t keep him from getting fired this week for hiring a woman he was having an affair with amid several other accusations of sexually inappropriate behavior towards women at work, former Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz was just wondering if he still has to try to do this whole “gay Latino man” thing.
“Okay, since coming out as gay didn’t keep you guys from using a Papyrus card with an Ewok on the front to prove I was already having an affair on the clock when I hired a hot local journalist and Brandi Kruse-bestie to be my chief of staff at a salary of $163,000 a year, I was just wondering if I still had to get my eyebrows done and everything,” said Diaz, who came out as gay earlier this year amid multiple accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior with women and $5 million in lawsuits. “I was also just wondering if I still have to grow out a goatee, play Capitol Hill male nipple cop, listen to Ricky Martin every day and spend every spring break for the rest of my life in either Palm Springs or Miami. At least let me go to Yakima, the Palm Springs of Washington. You guys already know I’m a Disney Adult now—isn’t that enough for you monsters?”
Diaz said he was willing to go all in on the Gay Latino Man Thing if it meant he could keep cashing in an SPD salary of almost $400,000 a year while “on special assignment” like he’s been since May earlier this year. But without a job now and probably a tough road ahead trying to hired somewhere else, Diaz said it was only fair he not be held to acting like he’s gay anymore.
“Look, I don’t know if a guy like me will ever again be able to bang another Jamie Tompkins without abusing tax dollars to make a hot chick who doesn’t know jack shit about running a police department both my chief of staff and head of media relations, but I’d like to try,” Diaz said. “I hear Madison’s hiring for a progressive police chief who likes hiring hot women who aren’t making enough money at their local conservative TV news stations.”
At press time, Diaz was seeking more advice on what to do now from his buddy Kevin Spacey.
