Following a prolonged vote-counting process that threatens to drag on for what little remains of our doomed lives after Donald Trump’s probably successful bid for second term in the White House, the entire West Coast of America has formally invited the long anticipated San Andreas earthquake to shear the West Coast off the map and send us all careening off to sea.
“We’ve heard a lot of talk about the impending earthquake coming from the San Andreas fault over the years, and I know I speak for everyone when I say I’m ready for The Big One to carve the coast from the continental shelf and end my misery,” said Seattle resident Bill Bartley, carefully monitoring the seismometer he purchased for election night. “I want off this godforsaken continent, you hear me, San Andreas? Tectonic shift or get off the pot.”
While predicting the incidence of earthquakes is next to impossible to predict, many West Coast residents are hopeful that 2024 might bring its particular brand of misery to the convergence of the Pacific and North American Plates a little early this year.
“Just think: In one, beautiful moment of chaos and destruction we could be free, instead of being left waiting for whatever inevitable series of disasters will strike this country in the next four years,” said San Francisco Josephine Brown, laying out a cute one piece bikini and a sunhat on her bed. “Just floating on a loose pile of derelict flotsam, precariously floating away at the mercy of the uncaring ocean winds, harvesting rainwater and hunting seabirds as we cling to our terrestrial liferaft … and all of that sounds preferable to being part of that shithole third-world paper kingdom we just left behind in America waiting for the election results. At least our topsoil dinghy might have a shot at approving universal healthcare sometime this century.”
A new poll showed the preferred method to escape the next four years was the San Andreas Earthquake, followed by Halley’s Comet striking Mt. Rainier, Yellowstone super-volcano mega-eruption, and making murder hornets a thing again.
