In a districtwide email titled “New Student Meal Debt Policy,” Seattle Public Schools informed parents that any student with school lunch debt will be forced to face off in a round of the Hunger Games.
“Parents, as you all know, this isn’t Minnesota, Tim Walz is long gone after his fundraising stint in Medina earlier this month, and Washington State Democrats are too spineless to make universal school lunch programs happen here,” read the email from SPS Superintendent Dr. Brent Jones. “If your child has school lunch debt, we therefore have no other choice here but to send them to the next round of the Hunger Games in the Amazon, brought to you by Amazon.”
Although parents across the city were shocked no other solution to helping children as young as five cover school meal debts could be considered before the drastic policy change, Superintendent Jones said the district believes it will teach students valuable and empowering lessons from a young age.
“We’re really hoping it helps turn the tide on the youth mental health crisis by giving our most disadvantaged students literally nothing to think about but their literal minute-to-minute survival,” Jones said. “We briefly considered outsourcing debt collection to the New Jersey Mafia or Dog the Bounty Hunter, but we couldn’t turn down live movie sequel money—which is all definitely all going to pay student meal debt and not my almost $400k salary or expensive work conferences me and other school administrators go to all across the country all year.”
At press time, SPS had reportedly already named as tributes first grader Timmy Wilkins, with 5 unpaid applesauce cups on his record, fifth grader Samantha Miller, with three boxes of milk and 5 of the saddest pizzas on earth still unpaid for, and kindergartener Sarah Meeks with a whopping tally of 15 unpaid-for dinosaur chicken nuggets.
