Speaking on the condition of anonymity, today the brave minimum-wage worker at McDonald’s who led police to the man suspected of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson said they can’t wait to spend their entire $60,000 bounty on a single night at the hospital.
“Ever since McDonald’s hired me to work just under 40 hours a week so they don’t have to give me benefits including one of the most useless health insurance plans on the market, I’ve dreamed of being able to afford even a one-night stay at a hospital,” said the employee. “So when given the chance to report a man that was cruel enough to kill a CEO who killed and financially destroyed thousands of lives with healthcare plans that are basically somehow legal predatory financial scams, how could I not take it?”
Asked if they were ever going to reveal their identity, they said they weren’t planning on spending the money on a single night’s stay at the hospital immediately.
“Oh, I don’t want to spend it quite yet on injuries sustained from a violent mob attacking me for being a class traitor—I’m waiting for something a little more traditional like kidney stones or a biopsy that lets me know I have a cancer I’ll never be able to afford surviving,” the employee said as they donned a mask in hopes of not being identified. “But, hey! At least I would know what I’m dying of while I most likely die working on the job face first into some fryer grease!”
At press time, underpaid and underinsured Americans across the country were hoping that one day they too may be lucky enough to afford an all-inclusive one-night stay in an ER by spotting another healthcare CEO killer.
