Seattle police reclaimed another green space tonight, sweeping an encampment that had sprouted up on the lawn of Capitol Hill’s Central Lutheran Church.
“We had performed exhaustive outreach to the unhoused living in the encampment, but they mocked us with a silent, plasticine indifference and the individuals refused to move,” said SPD Officer Craig Pilot, a wise man tucked under his arm. “The ringleaders appear to be an unwed teenage girl, her bearded partner, and an infant in an unlawful encampment found to be in violation of innumerable public safety codes, the most egregious being possession of livestock and the construction of a haphazard, almost manger-like structure when there were tens, if not dozens of suitable inns nearby.”
One resident, sipping cocoa and taking a break from putting up her Christmas lights, looked on with torn feelings.
“I mean, my feet are still blistered from the 5K Walk to End Homelessness in North Seattle last week, so you know my heart aches for these poor people,” sighed Beth LeHam as she toyed with her gold necklace. “But even these poor wretches must abide by the law. Plus, that eyesore really clashed with the ‘North Pole Magic’ theme our HOA is going for this year.”
At press time, Officer Pilot wouldn’t say exactly where the encampment residents had been swept and dumped because he really needed to go wash his hands.
