Once thought to be an escape from the bloodthirsty mayhem of Black Friday sales, countless Cyber Monday sale shoppers across Seattle say they were trampled and fighting for their lives today against sentient scalper bots.
“I was just about to add this third air fryer I desperately needed to my shopping cart when this robot kicked down my door, shoved me to the ground and bought the last five in stock before I could complete the purchase,” said Glenn Robinson, still cowering under his desk. “If that wasn’t bad enough, now he’s trying to sell it back to me for double the price! Maybe I can try another site on my phone while he’s distracted—right now he has my roommate pinned down and keeps telling him to ‘stop trampling himself.'”
Longing for the gladiatorial mayhem of Black Friday sales of yore, leading retailers have reportedly partnered with Ticketmaster’s autonomous fleet of scalper bots to physically compete with online shoppers for the best deals.
“Today’s consumers are soft and spoiled: Our customers used to camp outside in freezing temperatures just for the chance at hitting an old lady with her own purse to get $30 off that same purse!” said Walmart CEO Doug McMillon, watching old CCTV fight highlights from past Black Fridays. “Where’s the valor and glory in clicking a button? Well, we’re about to find out how bad these folks want these ‘doorbuster’ deals when they have to fight off a T-Master 1000 bot for the right to pay 60% off a flatscreen we marked up 150% before the sale started.”
At press time, the bots were already preparing to be stationed by cash registers at Fred Meyer stores this Giving Tuesday to “donate these hands” to anyone who doesn’t say “yes” to the charity question at checkout.
